Manual Please?

If only we had an instruction manual for being human. Something that told us what to do at each crossroads.
Something that could quiet the overthinking, settle the second-guessing, and finally answer the question: “Am I doing this right?” Because that’s what so many of us are really searching for. Clarity. Certainty. A sense that we’re heading in the 'right' direction. And that desire makes complete sense.

As humans, we're wired to search for meaning - to connect the dots, make sense of our experiences, and try to understand where we fit in the world. We don’t like unanswered questions or unfinished stories. We don’t like sitting in the unknown. So we search. We analyse. We replay conversations. We weigh up every possible outcome. We look for something - anything - that might give us a sense of certainty. Because not knowing can feel deeply uncomfortable. Sometimes even unsafe.

So the search for answers becomes a way of coping. A way of steadying ourselves. A way of feeling like we have some kind of control. And for a while, that works. Until it doesn’t. Because at some point, the search stops feeling helpful… and starts feeling exhausting. At some point, many of us stop asking: “What do I actually want?” And start asking: “What should I want?”

That shift may be subtle - but it's SUPER powerful - the moment we start asking “what should I want?”, is the moment we begin looking outside of ourselves for answers. We look to expectations. To systems. To rules. To how things are “supposed” to be done. We learn what is acceptable. What is rewarded. What makes sense to other people. And slowly - often without even realising it - we begin to move further away from ourselves.

Society is built on structure. It offers guidance, direction, and a shared way of living. But it can also be loud. Loud enough that our own internal voice becomes quieter in comparison. Over time, we start to prioritise: What makes sense logically; What looks right externally; And, what keeps things running smoothly overall... and we do this at the expense of asking ourselves: What feels right; What aligns with us; And what might we actually need.

Our own thoughts, instincts, and desires don’t disappear… But they get pushed down the list.

Buried beneath expectations.
Buried beneath pressure.
Buried beneath the constant effort of trying to “get it right”.

And when that happens, other things tend to show up in their place. Things like doubt, overwhelm and disconnection. A sense of fogginess. A feeling of being stuck, unsure, or slightly off-centre - even if, on paper, everything looks “totally fine”.

This is something I see often in the people I work with. Thoughtful, self-aware humans who are doing their best… but feel like they’re constantly second-guessing themselves.

Not because they don’t care and not because they’re not trying. But because they’ve learned to look everywhere for answers - except within themselves.

Because here’s the part that often gets missed: The answers you’re searching for aren’t actually missing! They’re not gone. They haven’t disappeared. They’ve just been… drowned out.

Beneath all of the noise, there is still a part of you that knows: What feels right, what feels off and what genuinely matters to you.

Not in a loud, certain, always-clear kind of way… But in a quieter, more subtle way. A feeling. A pull. A sense. You might have experienced it before. That small inner nudge that says, “This doesn’t feel quite right.” Or that quiet sense of clarity that appears when everything else slows down.

But when we’ve spent a long time overriding that voice - when we’ve been taught to prioritise logic, expectation, or external validation - it can become harder to access. Harder to trust and harder to hear beneath the noise.

And so everything starts to feel unclear… Not because there’s nothing there, but because there’s too much on top of it!

In many therapeutic approaches, this is understood as an “inner wisdom” - a steady, compassionate core that exists within all of us.

A part that isn’t reactive or performative and isn’t shaped by external expectations.

But that part doesn’t shout - it doesn’t compete for attention - it waits.

And this is where therapy often becomes less about “finding answers” and more about creating space. Space to slow down, to untangle the noise and space to gently reconnect with yourself.

Not to be told who to be. Not to be given a step-by-step manual. But to begin noticing what feels true and what feels yours. Because maybe the problem was never that you didn’t have the answers. Maybe the problem was that you stopped trusting yourself with them.

I appreciate first-hand that this kind of thing doesn’t change overnight - there's rarely a quick fix.

It’s not about suddenly becoming completely certain or “figured out”, but in my opinion it’s about something quieter, slower and more real than that.

It’s about finding connection which feels safe enough to take the time and space for ourselves to begin to ask again: “What do I actually want?” …and allowing that question to exist - without immediately overriding it.

Because maybe the goal was never to be given a perfect instruction manual - maybe it was to learn how to read your own. In a way that actually fits. And maybe given the safety, the time and the right connection, learning to read your own manual may well become a much clearer task - in your space, at your pace!

References

• Gärdenfors, P. (2024). Why Our Brains Are Built to Search for Meaning. Psychology Today.

• Frankl, V. (as referenced in meaning-making psychology literature).

• Kruglanski, A. W. (Need for Cognitive Closure research).

• Travers, M. (2025). Why Your Brain Loves Closure Even When It’s A Lie. Forbes.

• Çiçek, A. (2025). The Psychology of Uncertainty. Psychology Times.

• McNally, M. A. (2025). The Quiet Cost of Ignoring Your Inner Voice. Psychology Today.

• Schwartz, R. (1995). Internal Family Systems (IFS) – concept of core Self.

• Rogers, C. (Person-Centred Therapy principles – inner wisdom and self-direction).